God's message, gaps, and integrity

It's been a whirlwind of a month. God's been revealing much. Hopefully I will be journaling more this year as I've been trying to convince myself that it is a spiritual discipline.

I took a professional development business skills class recently and had the opportunity to do a presentation of my choice for evaluation. It was quite exciting as I've trying to be more myself in front of an audience and speak more from my heart this past year. I had the opportunity to share about purpose in life and God in a public forum on IBM facilities, how amazing is that? Yvonne had been praying for me and God was working. Everyone shared that they were deeply touched. One lady I noticed crying half way through my talk and said she was so overwhelmed and physically shaking that she could not fill out my assessment.

We were not supposed to be evaluated on content, but I'm certain it was God's message of purpose and hope that touched people and not any of my style or skills. I think what made my presentation different was that I wasn't just saying something to share, but I shared because I had something to say. Every follower of Jesus has heart-igniting words to tell the world.

I went to Ottawa with so many plans of getting personal projects done, but did none of it. It felt so good for some reason. We had almost every meal with family, played games, and just hung out. So very good.

On the flipside though while I could go on about what an awesome year 2004 was, going into 2005 I've had a conviction for integrity in my life.

I've been corresponding with Jack Popjes, a speaker that come by our church a while back. He had asked a profound question. Where would you place yourself on a scale of one to ten - one being hardship, struggle, and extraordinary accomplishment, and ten being comfort, peace of mind and no accomplishment. I placed myself fairly low on that scale, but what's been bothering me is that my life doesn't quite reflect where I so passionately see myself being. Reading through the Uprising Experience guide book, it asked a question - What is the gap time between your understanding and your execution of God's will?

Unfortunately, reflecting on my life, it's not a gap, it's a chasm. One that I am usually in no hurry to cross. I spend a good portion of my time learning about the gap, analyzing the rate at which the gap widens, and maybe taking baby steps towards the edge of the gap. But the more I get into the presence of God the wider that divide seems to get.

I spent yesterday in the hospital as my mom had surgery. Thank God she's okay. During the wait I could not help but have thoughts of the possibility that she may never see the great things that I will one day do or the person that I will one day become. It aches me that with all that God has blessed me with, so much of it has remains dormant in my heart. Integrity refuses to violate the heart like that. Any gap between my values and my actions is a failure of my integrity. This will be a key focus of the year.